


The Worth of a Soul

by duointherain



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 22:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16293425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duointherain/pseuds/duointherain
Summary: This is a ghost story. Duo thinks he's insane. Heero has mental health issues. It's Halloween.  They confess to each other. I'm not sure it's a very good story, but it was what I had tonight.





	The Worth of a Soul

The Worth of a Soul  
by Max

Disclaimer: I don’t own Gundam Wing  
Warning: This story is dark.  
Notes: This story deals with mental health, attempted suicide, ghosts, violence, and recovery. 

It’s a pain, just a little pain, like the heart is held together with a staple. Every time the lungs fill with breath, the staple is more like a fuse, pulling towards the flame. He’d always had a short fucking fuse. 

The wars were over. Gone. There had been peace five years. Preventers was strong. 

Duo sat up, grey sheets bunching on his lap. The room he rented was grey, with just a little light from his phone, where it lay face down on the carpet next to his skateboard. Naked, pale, he told himself if he calmed down, the pain in his heart would stop. At least that’s where he imagined his heart to be. Maybe it was his soul trying to claw its way down into Hell where it belonged. 

Leaning forward he covered his eyes with the heels of his hands. He was safe. He had a job. He had food. He had a nice game system. He had a storm where his brain should be. Battles never ended. Explosions echoed in the back of his mind like he could feel the heat of them sitting in his sweaty grey shit of a room. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyebrows and for a flash of a second, he wished the pain in his heart was a staple and it would just let go and muscle go slack, blood run away, and he imagined his soul just slip away like his breath. 

Souls don’t fucking do that though, not just because you ask them to. He flopped back on his twin bed, the sweat wet sheets now cold against his back. A different echo, dark and intoxicatingly bitter pulled his heart stable in a new direction. One knee bent, he closed his eyes felt. It was good. In his mind, Heero’s hand was on the back of his neck. His own hand stroked lightly up. 

Bargain. Give and get. Life has to be paid for. There would never be enough blood to bring the dead back to life. Someone had to pay. Right? 

Sleep, like a burnt out, insomniac rideshare driver showed up for him, eight hours late, but still hella welcome. Eyelids feeling heavy, and stubborn, Duo flopped back on his bed. On his side, knees pulled up, he ran his thumb over the small dark blue tattoo of ヒ at his pulse point. 

When does love start? It starts before you feel it. You feel it when they aren’t there, when you miss them, or that moment when you do see them and the world fills with light. Heero was a good man. 

The voice felt so real, he could almost feel the breath against his ear. “You’re worse than worthless. You’re a monster. You’re death.” 

Duo sat back up, threw the shabby covers towards the end of the bed, letting them pool at the foot of his bed. He clenched his eyes shut and told himself he wasn’t seeing things. He didn’t see anything. There wasn’t a shadow of him. It wasn’t there. 

The voice seemed to move through his braid, sending a chill down his spine. “Faggots go to hell.”

The mirror on his closet door caught his attention and he stared at his face, dark circles, ragged hair. Hell would be justice. The shadow next to him ran shadow fingers over Duo’s hair. Those fingers tangled and stretched out, pulling a shudder right up through Duo’s spine. “It would be better if you were dead.” 

“Yeah,” Duo said, as if the word came from somewhere else, like it was his, had always been his, but he didn’t remember where it came from. It was the best idea he’d had in a long time. Flying. He wanted to fly again, to commit and stand on the edge and just let go. All debts paid. Free. And that would knock the soul out of him. 

“Yes,” the shadow whispered. “Pay for what you’ve done.” 

The phone rang then playing an old song, ‘Despacito’, a cover done in an L2 accent. Duo’s grin flickered, then light straight up. The shadow hissed, a hand going into Duo’s chest to tighten the staple. Duo coughed and instead of standing up and striding the three steps across his little rented room, he fell off the bed and skidded across the carpet, feet still up in the air on his bed. Even still, he was reaching out for the ringing phone. 

A fist banged on his door. “Duo! Are you off your meds again? You okay?”

“Yeah,” Duo said, pushing up onto an elbow, crawling the battlefield of his room to the still ringing phone, “Maybe! Probably! I’m fine!”

“You better be. Come out and make breakfast! I need to see you make breakfast!”

“Yeah, okay,” Duo said. “I’ll be right there.” 

Another voice yelled, “Stop talking to yourself, Duo!”

Duo got the phone then, flicked answer and flopped on his back. In his most cheerful voice he said, “Hey ‘Ro! How’ya?”  
“Duo,” Heero hissed, whispering as if he were desperate not to be heard.”

Duo sat up, ratty Batman pajamas his only clothes, braid pooling on the floor behind him. He whispered, “What’s wrong?”

“They keep knocking.” 

“Who? Heero? Did you call 911?”

“Yes,” Heero whispered. “I called. They said... it’s normal.” 

Duo had ideas about The Purge. Heero lived in the same city, about twenty minutes away. “Who’s knocking, Heero?”

“Children....”

Duo pulled his phone away, looked at the date, took a breath. “‘Ro, it’s Halloween. Are they cute kids in costumes?”

“I don’t see the relevance.” 

“Did you turn the lights off?” Duo knew about these things. He’d read books. 

“Yes, but,” Heero said, clearly having anxiety. “My computer still gives off light. How long does this last. I can’t turn on the computer to search. I have important work to do!”

“Hey, what if I come over and I’ll like wear a costume and give out candy, while you work, yah?”

“You’d do that?”

“Sure,” Duo said, the staple on his heart completely gone because he was going to be near Heero, “I mean, if you can stand to be around me?” 

“Are you seeing things again?”

Duo scratched the side of his head, lips twisting. “Yeah,” he said, drawing it out slow. “It’s the angry shadow and Sister Helen is here.” 

“I wish you were gay and that you’d live with me.”

Duo blinked, back a little straighter, like a groundhog peeking out of a deep hole. “Wha?”

“I guess it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or not. If you lived with me, we could take care of each other. That’s why I got a two-bedroom house.” 

“Look you,” Duo said, eyebrows drawing down. “I’m a worthless piece of shit. I can’t hold a job. I’m a freak. You’re successful and people like you. I’m half homeless and a bum. I am gay. You know that’s a sin right? You don’t have to be like... you don’t have to do that. I’ll still come take care of the kids. I like kids. I won’t be weird or let anyone know I’m seeing shit. Okay.” 

“I’m homosexual.”

Duo’s jaw clenched. The shadow was whispering about Heero lying to be nice to him, taking care of him because Heero felt guilty. Heero didn’t lie. “You are? For how long?” 

“I am. Always. Can you stop being homophobic? Maybe with therapy?”

“Uh,” Duo said, nose twitching. “I’m not. It’s...it’s the shadow.”

“What if it’s real?”

“You mean... like a real ghost?” Duo lay back down on the carpet, rolling his shoulders, using it as a back scratcher. “I don’t believe in ghosts. I’m just a crazy bastard. I’m pretty sure I’m really a pain in everyone’s ass.”

“You are the best and kindest person I have ever known,” Heero said solemnly. “You are the only one I call when I have panic. You are the only one I trust. You matter. You’re important.” 

“I am?”

“Yes. You are.” 

Duo sighed contentedly. The idea of jumping off a bridge was the farthest thing in the world now. “Talk to me another bit, yeah? I was... I was having dark thoughts today. You know?”

“Understood.” Heero said. “Duo,” he said, tenderly, almost pleading, “It’s like a mission. Like we have to work together. The past is gone. Let’s learn how to be happy. That’s what follow our heart is, right? To learn to be happy?”

Duo scooted closer to the mirror. The shadow’s hands were cold around his throat. Sitting there, legs crossed, phone to his ear, head tilted, he looked like a child in the mirror, and with a child’s understanding, he knew he was going to die, right then. The shadow was going to kill him. “Yeah, so. If I don’t make it tonight. You gonna be okay? Like, you’ll be happy and take care of yourself?”

Heero said something in Japanese that sounded utterly profane. It made Duo smile. If he was going to die, he wanted to go out hearing Heero bitch the world out. Back in English, Heero asked super sweet, “Put me on avatar, please. I’ve been practicing something.” 

Already getting light-headed, Duo couldn’t find the breath to reply. Whatever Heero wanted was okay. Maybe it would help Heero find closure. Duo thumbed the app open before the phone slipped from his fingers. The phone balanced on Duo’s knee for a moment before a six inch Heero shimmered to life. He had held a small rectangle covered with black Japanese letters. It had a nice little red frame. ‘Very nice,’ Duo thought. 

Heero was so hot when he was screaming. The little holographic Heero ran forward, valuted up to Duo’s knee, holding out his little greeting card. His eyes were so pretty. Duo wished there was a world where he could be someone Heero would like. Chin to his chest, he watched Heero make a run up him like he was warped wall challenge. When the little white square hit the cold tightness around his throat, everything changed. 

His breath came back. A strange feeling soaked into him slowly, like he was a beach, but he wasn’t slowly fading away. Safe. It was safe. “Woah....”

A little Heero stood on his knee, hands clasped before his chin. “Do you feel better? I was hoping you’d feel better.” 

“Yeah. What the hell, Heero?”

“It’s a blessing.” 

“Woah.” 

“There are still children outside my door. Please come?” 

Duo nodded, ran a hand over hair that needed to be washed. He stood, looked around his room, and it felt like it was someone else’s room. It was someone he cared about, someone who deserved to be cared about. “I’ll be there soon, ‘Ro. Wait for me.” 

“Of course,” Heero said. “Hurry.” 

Duo went off to shower, not seeing the shadow that followed him.


End file.
